This morning my sweet Sofie woke up at six am full of sunshine and energy, and I just had nothing. I didn't want to face the day. I cried even thinking about getting out of bed.
Sigh. I have a feeling only the mother's will truly understand the rest of this.
I was a witch today.
I lost my temper over spilled juice. I pulled my hair when I stepped on ANOTHER toy. I yelled when she said my name 25 times in a row. I screamed when she pounded on the door while I took a second to use the restroom. I sent her to her room with drooped shoulders and a broken heart because I just couldn't take one more question, one more slobbery kiss, one more clanging toy, or any of the other normal 3 year old things I face in a day.
How will I ever get through 15 more years without being the worst excuse for a mother any child ever had? How do I keep from disappointing her? How can I face a day of mothering when my very bones seem ready to collapse from so little sleep? Who am I to teach her manners when I can be so cutting? How will she learn God's love from a Mom who demands perfection in every area, and yet struggles to be even an average mother?
I love my daughter. I love her fierce will - even though she battles my every decision and action. I love her curly hair that resists taming. I love her big brown eyes so like my own, always watching and weighing. I love how much energy and creativity she has, so like her father. I love teaching her about our world, and trying to set a good example for her.
But there are days like today.
I honestly wish she'd forget, but more importantly I hope she can learn to forgive me. I suspect perfection isn't around my next corner.
As you lay here asleep on my lap with my tears dripping onto your nightgown, I want you to know that I am sorry Momma was a witch today. I'm sorry I was impatient with your curiosity. I'm sorry that I let my selfishness push your needs aside. I'm sorry that I didn't play enough, listen enough, and worse love enough. I have asked God to forgive me, renew me, and strengthen me for the privilege of being your Mommy tomorrow. I love you, and my dearest hope is that you can one day count yourself blessed to have been my child.
I'm going to put you in your bed soon, but for just a little while I'll hold you close and pray all my love sweeps into your dreams.